Epictetus, The Encheiridion
It’s interesting to watch one’s own ego in action. A few days back, I was having a discussion with a couple of friends on life’s purpose and the value we place on things we want to accomplish. Interestingly, these friends are blessed with special abilities; one of them is an intuitive and an empath psychic and does astrological chart readings, and the other has had a few interesting experiences with perceived reality and non-dual states of awareness.
The three of us were having a serious discussion on how we offer our collective services as a team to people struggling with financial, relationship, emotional and other issues. But somehow the conversation veered into our personal journeys, and I became the subject of their intuitive whacking — as they call it.
I have been on a self-exploration and self development journey for the last decade. Things have surely shifted within me but I probably have not achieved all that I intended. During the conversation, one of my friends started hitting me with some hard truths by listing my abilities and my lack of accomplishments. He pushed me outside my comfort zone and before I knew it, I was fighting back and justifying the status quo.
I have certainly made some headway into my desired outcomes, but have not reached my goal yet. A part of me is content in taking small steps, but a part of me feels restless and unfulfilled
I have been guilty of mental self-flagellation, but when someone else started making me aware of my so-called under-accomplishments, I, like a porcupine had my quills ready to retaliate.
This was an eye-opener for me and I had a few minor epiphanies.
Even though many of us are very good at preaching to others, there is still room for self-acceptance and self-analysis. We humans have very fragile egos, and the instant someone contradicts our beliefs, we immediately adopt the fight or flight approach.
In this case too, I was tempted to leave, but I fought back instead, becoming defensive and aggressive at the same time. I came up with justifications for my lack of progress in my chosen path. I started listing all that I had achieved and justifying what I hadn’t. I then picked on the person who was holding a mirror to me, listing his shortcomings and subconsciously wanting to hurt his ego. He, however, seemed unperturbed. I saw momentary pain cross his face but he immediately came back to a place of calm. Seeing him not loose his shirt made me realize how quickly I had reacted. He was doing me a favor, but my ego was not prepared for a bashing. I was physically unharmed, and yet my heartbeat was racing and my palms were sweating. My physiology was reacting to my psychology.
Fortunately, years of practice came to the rescue and I became aware of my reaction, gradually extricating myself from the downward spiral. As soon as I changed my perception about the conversation, I felt at ease. I saw the perceived attack as an act of compassion and realised that the motive behind it was love and my betterment. My friend wanted me to be what I am capable of. His approach may have been a tad harsh, but his motives were pure.
The same scenario repeated when I tried to say something to my teenage daughter who had a bad day at her golf tournament. I was trying to shed light on how she had allowed her fears to get the better of her and lost some easy puts. She immediately became defensive and started to attack me verbally. This time it was my turn to remain unperturbed and we diffused the situation. In the past we would have argued and tried to have the last word, but I understood why she was being defensive. She felt attacked, and her defensiveness was a very natural reaction under that situation. She eventually understood where I was coming from and went on to explain how she messed up and how she could have done better.
Two different episodes with very similar outcomes. In both cases, there was latent sadness and regret for not having met self-proclaimed goals.
In situations where we do not meet our own expectation, our self-esteem plummets and we become very sensitive. We feel ourselves being attacked even when someone comes from a place of compassion and support, and we react — often viciously.
In both cases the recipients ( i.e. my daughter and I) put up a shield of self-justification and we retaliated. In both cases, one person stayed calm while the other expressed painful emotions by lashing out. Both the situations were diffused because one of the participants remained calm. Had everyone allowed their egos to get the better of them, there would have been a lot more pain involved.
As Epictetus rightly said “ We are disturbed not by things, but by the views we take of things.”
Both my daughter and I took offense to being told facts, but the moment we changed our perceptions of the episode, the hurt dissipated and we became open to input and suggestion.
The reason for pain is usually a wound which needs healing. In our respective cases, there was an emotional wound from not having met our own expectations.
So, the next time someone says something to you that may feel like an attack, try and look at the intention behind the act. See the person as a teacher or a mentor who is trying to wake you up and get you out of your comfort zone.
See it as a blessing and soon it will become one.