Fwd: A while back a young man had written to me about his pain. The problem…
A while back a young man had written to me about his pain. The problem or the solution is not unique so it might be of help . It might not be a perfect solution but it may help….
Hey Shveitta, I attended your talk at IIT …… a couple of years back. You said you are a Happiness Officer. I need help. I am not happy anymore. I used to be. Now I am not.
I have realized that I had a purpose in life till I was in college. I had to get a job, that was my biggest aim. After graduating and working for 1 and a half years, I seem to have nothing to look forward to in life. On top of all this, my girlfriend and I have broken up.
I feel purposeless, passionless, aimless or whatever you may call it. Nothing excites me these days. Nothing makes me happy. What do I do?
Can you help?
Dear ……., thank you for reaching out and asking for help. I appreciate your sincerity and candidness. Often we don’t even acknowledge our feelings and are therefore unable to even begin the healing process.
I am sorry you are in a dark place right now, but remember it is always darkest before dawn. These are not just idioms they do have a whole lot of truth in them. When you hit rock bottom the only place you can go is up.
Use this time and energy to take stock of your life and become discerning and really look inside to see what it is that you really want. Don’t be afraid to see what comes up. Often we deny even to our own selves what we really want.
Right now however the reason for your sadness could be your recent break up with your girlfriend. You are hurting because you feel someone that was important to you is not a part of your life any more.
All of us look for validation of our existence outside of our own selves. When a loved one walks away from us we feel our whole world crumbling around us because we have never learnt to love ourselves and be happy in our own existence. We have always been outward focused. Looking for fulfillment in getting the right education, the right job, the right partner, the right house, the right car and so on. As soon as we get what we ‘really’ wanted we feel good for some time and eventually the feeling of emptiness and purposelessness comes back. All this is because we have never really understood what it means to be happy.
As long as you are looking at outside factors to make you feel good you will never really feel happy. Happiness really is an inside job, first of all it’s a decision and then it is a skill that becomes better with practice.
I completely understand that you are hurting right now and feel extremely unhappy, it is a natural state to be in when you lose something or someone you value. Pain of any kind brings to surface the past pains that we have had. You have heard about neurons that fire together, wire together. Whenever we feel pain of any kind the past pains also get triggered and end up cumulatively hurting us a lot more. But you also need to remember that we are survivors and if there is pain, the body automatically starts producing the antidote to counter the pain, both physical and emotional.
We try to run away from our sorrow by trying to numb our mind either by alcohol, over work, sleep, drugs, overeating or under-eating, too much partying or choosing complete seclusion. All these are just temporary distractions and eventually the truth of our pain and sorrow resurfaces.
It’s OK to be sad and feel melancholy, but don’t stay in this place for too long. The longer you choose to stay sad and depressed the longer it will take for you to come out.
Also please don’t try and ignore your sorrow. The more you ignore the longer you will suffer. You need to understand what suffering really means. Really feel the hurt and pain but don’t condemn it or try to run away from it. Don’t condemn or blame any outside factors either for the way you feel. Especially your girlfriend who is not with you any more. She is not the cause of your suffering. Also you will not really be able to accept the pain and suffering as long as you are attached to hope. Only when you see the situation just as it is, neither good nor bad, neither hopeful nor a lost cause but just as it is; only then can you start making progress on the path to feeling better.
Also don’t try and look back on how things were. If you constantly look back then you will be unable to look forward. There is a reason the rear view mirrors are smaller than the windshield in a car. We need to just glance at what is or was behind us but the focus has to be in front. Start living each day just as it shows up. Don’t dwell too much on the past. Again, I know it is easy for me to give advice but I also know from experience that things do get better. You have to consciously become a part of your own happiness. Don’t expect anyone on the outside to make you feel better. That is entirely your territory.
Try and do some EFT exercises (check out www.eft.com) or google Brad Yates EFT. Listen to uplifting music, read Jiddu Krishnamurti, Nisargdatta Maharaj, Louise Hay, Neal Diamond Walsh amongst many others that I can recommend to you later.
Just focus on bringing some joy back in your life. Do things that you enjoy and try and offer your help to someone who may need it. You will realize that you have so much going on for you once you start giving a little bit of yourself to others. But please only offer help when you are feeling better. You can only give to others what you have, so if you are feeling self pity and sadness please don’t try and save others.
Please do this exercise- write down on a piece of paper all that is going well in your life. I am sure there are things that are going great even though in your current state you may be unable to see how wonderful things are. Take some time and really write down things that are going well. Also you can write down how you are feeling. Writing about positive things enhances the feel good feeling and writing about negative feelings helps us get rid of them so writing is a good exercise. When you are writing about the negative feelings just write how you are feeling. Don’t try and add more than what you are experiencing or feeling. Don’t give it too much energy; just state the facts. Bring your focus consciously to feeling good. Feel grateful about your health, about your education, about your friends and any other things that may come to your mind.
See how this goes and then write back to me.
Cheers and good luck.
Shveitta Sethi Sharma
Chief Happiness Officer
School of Happiness
Www.schoolofhappiness.co
+85294645257